I wrote this at the pinnacle of the Lewinski scandal, obviously, and before his polls started going UP when it all came down to Monica.  It was when the talk of Clinton resigning over lying about his BJ’s peaked.  I posted it on my preferred social site back then, and people went crazy.  A couple BEGGED for permission to pass it along!  Uhhh…yes, that’s fine? 

It was my proposed resignation speech for Bill.  Enjoy:

I could live with a resignation, and would love to see it done like this.

Ladies and Gentleman, the President of the United States:

“I come to you tonight to put this thing to rest, and to perhaps leave you with a little pause for thought about a couple of issues we had better start thinking over.

“I’ll say it right now.  What I will say tonight is entirely based on my concern for my own legacy, AND my concern for this country.  Somehow the combination of these two things seems to have been twisted into some sort of mutually exclusive duo, which is stupidly simplistic. 

“See, I’ve always figured that if the country did well, my legacy would do just fine, too.

“I’ve been lying about sex for 25 years, and got really good at it.  It is an unfortunate but necessary requirement for the job I desired.  Our country has a very puritanical streak where the sexual ethic is concerned; I made the cold and calculated and DIFFICULT decision long ago that to do the things I wanted and BELIEVED would make this a better country for all of us, I would need to lie about my sexual behavior.  Feel better?  Good.  One of the things I think we ought to start thinking about is the type of human beings who aspire to this job, but I’ll get to that later.

“I didn’t FEEL like changing my sex life, folks.  It isn’t any of your business, as long as I take ‘no’ for an answer, and NOBODY is saying I was doing otherwise.  I never took anything that wasn’t offered me, and I had a ton of fun and release doing it  (Believe me, you NEED release in this job.), and I made a couple of good friends out of some of these women, believe it or not.

“To those who accuse me of being a man without ideals, let me tell you, I believed to the core of my being that my sexual behavior did NOT impact the country at large.

“Oh, by the way, I smoked dope, too.  That’s another thing you have to lie about if you have Presidential aspirations.

*dramatic pause, to let the tone sink in, VERY casually sipping water*

“This whole nightmare started over a two bit land deal that transpired about 20 years ago.  Frankly, I couldn’t tell you WHAT went down in that whole mess.  I honestly don’t care about money, and never have.  I could have made millions with my skills as an attorney or CEO, or just gone to Hollywood and made it there.  I would’ve saved myself and my family a lot of pain if I was ever about money.

“Arkansas politics at the time was done the old fashioned way, which is to say, just like it is done in Washington today, except for the total void of pretense.  Things got done with a lot of pats on the back and handshakes and winks.  That was the way it was, and I played, because I wanted to win.  Feel better?  Good.

“I was 32 years old when I got elected, and there is no question I was a 32 years old governor.  Was anything illegal done?  I don’t know.  I stopped caring about it long before it became an issue.  I was a bit preoccupied.  I had all my life wanted to grow up to be President, and at 32 I was elected the governor of a state!

“Anyway, from this to-me-irrelevant ancient bad land deal, came the investigation into my sexual behavior, and you know the rest.  Once it got out of hand, I didn’t stand much of a chance.  *mocking*  “Oh, but Mr. President, if you had just told us the TRUTH!  *The POTUS stops to LOL*

“Bullshit!!  *still grinning*  You can’t HANDLE the truth!  Not about many things.  And trust me, my sexual behavior was one of them.  *laughs again, TOTALLY, surrealistically relaxed*

(Side note:  We are transfixed.  LOL)

*long pause, then very serious again*

“This is one of the ideas about which I sincerely hope you discuss, not just in the days and weeks to come, but the YEARS to come; in fact, an idea that I hope we NEVER stop discussing.  You SAY you want a balanced budget, but you don’t want services cut or taxes raised.  You SAY you want less sex and violence on TV, and continue to gobble up Jerry Springer and OJ like some sort of depraved crack addict.  There are many examples.  This needs to be addressed.

“Look into your own lives.  Ask yourself just how deeply you want to dig into the lives of those you know and love, for public distribution.  Think about some of the things you KNOW about some of the people you know and love and trust, because they are honest and decent and kind and wise, and ask yourself how these things would go over with the American public, if flogged mercilessly by a cost-is-no-object federal government, and about 30 million people who hate this person’s guts.  THEN ask yourself what kind of person will pursue a life of public service, based on the people YOU have known, ladies and gentleman.  Because that is where we come from.

“Some of you will no doubt protest, ‘But Mr. President, none of MY loved ones has engaged in THIS LEVEL of salacious behavior!,’ to which I say, give me $50 million dollars and 5 years, and let me check in to it.  Let me see if I can find a lie about sex from someone you respect a lot with 5 years and $50 million dollars.  Let me put them under oath and ask them about their sex lives.

“Ask yourself what kind of person you want for this job.  Al Gore?  He’s a fine man and a fine politician, and he’ll do a good job.  But I taught him everything that he knows.  He couldn’t emote his way out of a paper bag when I met him.  He is by nature a follower, not a leader.  Witness his shameless defense of my own admittedly indefensible behavior, given our national sexual ethic.

“So, tonight I say to Ken Starr and his team and supporters, congratulations.  Somebody finally kicked my ass at this silly game. Yes, I lied under oath.  That is why I’m quitting tonight.  It’s a bad example to set.

“But remember, ladies and gentlemen, if you will, what HE has put us through, and what is surely in store for us all, if he has nothing but Monica.

I’ve really enjoyed serving you, and I did the best I could.  Have a wonderful life.

It should properly be done in an easy chair, with an UNMISTAKEABLE tone of calm candor.  And it would become the political speech of the Millenium. 

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2 Responses to “Dontcha Kind of Miss Him?”

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